calling out in the darkness.

It's crazy that it has been over a year since I last posted.  But per usual, the Lord is doing something in my life that feels significant and I need to document it.  I also find that many times when the Lord is teaching me something, it's not just for me but to be shared with and encourage others. 

This past year has been a roller coaster ride.  It's been so good and yet so hard.  And in this year, I have found myself in this very interesting cycle.  I don't really want to go into the details of it but it has left me paradoxically devaluing myself and being reminded of how much God has grown me/being more confident than ever in the woman He's created me to be.  Thus, I've been left wondering why I can't break this vicious cycle.

Recently, I decided that I'd had enough and acted in a way that I thought could hopefully break this continual sequence of repeating events.  And with that, I found myself not quite ready for the repercussions it brought.

At first, I felt surprisingly okay.  I took it in stride and I busied myself with other things.  I kept a positive attitude, citing those God promises that I've so often heard and known but not fully understood or at times even truly believed.  It wasn't until yesterday that I realized I wasn't okay.

I've been really blessed within the past couple months to find myself in a wonderful church home and place where my worship leadership gifts are being used.  Yesterday, before the evening service, I found myself caught up in an image as we circled up to pray for the Lord's presence in the service.

Weirdly enough, I saw a bat. 

Now let's go back to elementary science and have a little lesson on bats.  Bats have terrible eye sight so they use echolocation when they're flying around, trying to find something tasty.  They create a sound that goes out before them and bounces off of things, essentially giving them an idea of what's in front of them.  You're probably thinking at this point, "Sara, this is a little ridiculous" but I promise it will make sense.  And to be honest, when I first had this vision I didn't get it either.  I saw the bat and I could see the sound waves coming from it's open mouth.  The sound moved out in front of the bat, but it didn't hit anything and kind of died off.  Yet all of sudden, there were new sound waves coming back to the bat, ones that it had not created.  Again, I wasn't quite sure what to really make of this but stored it in my head for later.

Worship was incredible yesterday.  The Spirit was moving and the Church was feeling it.  It was a little slice of heaven.  And thus, I was distracted by the Holy Spirit high during the sermon. Still, I managed to get the summary of it because it hit me HARD.  As the Message was being wrapped up, the pastor recapped by saying, "God is for us, God. Is. For. Us."  And all of sudden the emotional numbness, the facade of being okay, of having it all together fell completely apart.  In that one instant, I couldn't believe it at all and yet it was completely comforting and precisely what I needed to hear. 

How could I possibly believe that in the heartsickness I was feeling that God was truly for me?  After multiple letdowns, I still didn't understand the reasoning for these events.  Why?

So there I am, preparing to lead worship again, crying my eyes out.  That's when I hear this voice say, "Sara, it's okay to cry out to Me. Whether it's in anger or sadness or disappointment, I UNDERSTAND."  That's when I understood. 

I will be the first person to tell you that my prayer life is the hardest part about my walk with the Lord.  I often feel overwhelmed in how to even approach the throne and constantly feel at a loss for words.  And I know most of you who know me find that surprising!  So the last thing that I would be compelled to do is really cry out to the Lord is my misery.  Yet here is He was, telling me that's exactly how He wanted me.  And not only that, but He knew EXACTLY how I felt.  He could empathize with me.  He carried that burden.  How often is that what we truly long for?  We seek out people who can be on the same emotional level as us and so often forget that the Lord has felt all of it.  He knows all of it.

As I stood there, crying, I caught an image of the Lord bringing me into His arms and crying with me.  Yet, as He cried and held me, He reassured me that it's all for a purpose and for His glory even though I don't understand it.

Then the first image of the bat made sense.  God was calling me to just cry out to Him.  To let Him hear my sadness, my rejection, my pain and promising me that He would answer.  I'm not supposed to see what's in front of me, it's not supposed to make sense.  I'm supposed to let His voice guide me and He promises to bring me out of the darkness.

Pretty beautiful, huh?

This is one of my favorites and pretty much wraps up this post:
"So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them.  For the Lord your God will personally go ahead of you.  He will neither fail you nor abandon you". -Deuteronomy 31:6