dave matthews is a genius. and running scared.

I have been listening to the great Dave Matthews a lot lately and I have realized that he is basically awesome.

Fool to Think

By Dave Matthews Band

Look at me dreaming of you

All I could hope is to have you

To have you walking with me

Laughing so in love, we two

Almost drunkenly

I did imbibe of this

Fantasy of you and me

Was I a fool to think?

The way you looked at me

I swear you did

But you looked away too quick

Was I a fool, was I a fool to think

That you would take me home

As if I was yours

Was I a fool to think at all?

I've grown tired of love

You are the trouble with me 

I watch you walk right by

I smile, you do not notice me

Treat me recklessly

All you do is toss me pennies out

But the silence in me is screaming

Won't you come and get me?

You make a mess of me here

I'd dance a thousand steps for you

And if you say yes to me

I'll be whatever gets you through

You make a mess of me here

I'd dance a thousand steps for you

Was I a fool, was I a fool to think?

Am I a fool, am I a fool for you?

I swear his lyrics sum up my life time and time again.

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Will I ever stop thinking about him?

Am I really strong enough to stop being his fool?  To not notice him the way he doesn't notice me?

I feel like a mess.  I walking, screwed up, emotional, frail, ridiculous mess.

I want him to know my heart and feel the scars the are continually ripped open.

I don't want him to just walk right by anymore.  I want him to stand and face me and face this situation.  

Really, he's not walking by me.  He's running.  He's sprinting.  He's running scared.

What is he really thinking?

Yet I know I'm strong.  I'm strong.  I'm strong...

Everyone keeps telling me that, "Sara, you're strong."

What that heck does that mean?  And why do you know that I'm strong?

Why do I think I'm strong?  Because I can deal with this?

Because I can handle it?  Why?

Gah.

Make This Go On Forever

By Snow Patrol

Please, don't let this turn into something it's not

I can only give you everything I've got

I can't be as sorry, as you think I should

But I still love you more than anyone else could

All that I keep thinking through this whole flight

Is it could take my whole damn life to make this right

This splintered mast I'm holding on won't save me long

Because I know fine well that what I did was wrong

The last girl and the last reason to make this last for as long as I could

The first kiss and the first time, that I felt connected to anything

The weight of water, the way you told me to look past everything I have ever learned

The final word in the final sentence you ever uttered to me was love

We have go through so much worse than this before

What's so different this time that you can't ignore

You say it is much more than just my last mistake

And we should spend some time apart for both our sakes

And I don't know where to look

My words just break and melt

Please, just save me from this darkness

Please, just save me from this darkness

Lord, please save me from this.  I'm confused.  Where do you want me to go from here?

What is it you want from me?

I hate being patient.  And guessing games.

skittles.

Tonight I had Skittles.  And Skittles pretty much make me think of two people.

Lizzie and Ben.

And mostly one event in particular.

I don't know when exactly it was, but I discovered that both Lizzie and I love Skittles.  So one night before Josh, Ben, Lizzie and I went to a concert I bought a bag of them at Market One/Fun. [Mostly Fun though.]  Anyways, we basically sat through the concert eating the Skittles.

Also, I don't like orange Skittles.  So Ben has always eaten the orange ones.  Along with trying to steal any other color he can get.

So tonight when I was eating the Skittles, I had to give them to Kendall because he didn't mind eating them and I couldn't leave them just chilling in the bag.  But it make me think about how much I miss Lizzie and Ben, and how I want my best friends by my side and how I want Lizzie to be sitting beside me, giggling about the concert and how I want Ben to be stealing my Skittles.  I want things to just fall back into place, to be comfortable again so I don't feel like I'm stepping on egg shells anymore.  I hate the awkwardness, and this crap that hangs around in the air.  I'm tired of hiding from this.

I feel like I've come a long way in four weeks.  And running from the situation is not going to make it better.

I want Lizzie to come back to JMU and I want to have Ben in my life again.

Oh Skittles.

gone.

So I think Lizzie is transferring.

And I really wish I could see Ben.

I need my best friends.

And basically two of them have left me.

Great.

So much for a happy ending to the evening.

I really miss them.  Badly.

can't you just let me be?

Today I've been feeling terribly anxious.  I think honestly though that within the past couple of days I've make a huge turn around.  I was talking to Ellie today and I was telling her how last year, I remember thinking that college was just four years that buffered when my "real" life started, like I was just getting through these next couple years of college, thinking that the really good stuff was on the other side.  She told me that was lame.  And I totally agree.  I've had so many people say that college is one of the best times in your life, and granted last year sucked, which many people also admit to, but why would I want to hurry these years up?  I know that these years are going to be ones of growth and really growing into who I'm going to be.  And wishing those away so quickly would just be doing a disservice to myself.  Nevertheless, my anxiousness seems to be getting the better of me today despite my more positive outlook on things.  

My song for today once again ended up being one that just struck me while I had my ipod on shuffle in the car.

"Almost Lover"

A Fine Frenzy

Your fingertips across my skin

The palm trees swaying in the wind

Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies

The sweetest sadness in your eyes

Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy

I though you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover

Goodbye, my hopeless dream

I'm trying no to think about you

Can't you just let me be?

So long, my luckless romance

My back is turned on you

Should've known you'd bring me heartache

Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street 

You took my hand and danced with me

Images

And when you left, you kissed my lips

You told me you would never, never forget

These images

I cannot go to the ocean

I cannot drive the streets at night

I cannot wake up in the morning

Without you on my mind

So you're gone and I'm haunted

And I bet you are just fine

Did I make it that 

East to walk right in and out 

Of my life?

There are so many ridiculous parallels in this song to the things have been going on with me in my life but today I was really focused on the chorus, in just kind of saying goodbye to that part of my life, and even though I'm feeling so much better about the direction I'm heading, it still tends to be haunting and I just want to say why can't you just let me be?  I think though what was really encouraging today was as I was thinking about this and kind of the letting go/saying goodbye thing, I was still listening to music and "Fix You" by Coldplay was on, and the line, 

"When you're too in love to let it go,

But if you never try you'll never know,

Just what you're worth,"

really struck me.  It just really helped confirm the positive steps I've been taking the past couple of days and continue this kind of self-evaluation of myself.  I mean when it comes down to it, I want to know what I'm worth and the stuff I'm made of.  I want to be able to show people that I am this strong person, and I'm not always the blubbering person I feel like everyone sees.  I so much more than that so I think just as much as I'm proving that to myself, I'm trying to prove that to others as well.

PS- Premiere of Project Runaway, Season 5 today and I got to spend it with some of the most awesome people which included Ryan and Jessica McAllister, Jeremy Sheppard, Maddie Duda, Ellie Weaver, Laura Sutphin, Joy Weaver and her friend Ashley, and of course Mallie.  Also, best phrase of the night, "That's just wackadoodle!" from Suede who happens to be quite a character.  I think this will be an interesting season to say the least.

hands up, giving up.

I'm over it all.

Literally, I have no energy to hold on anymore.

Lord, just let what is supposed to be, be.

Basically because I'm tired of holding on.

Of thinking that if I hold on it's going to make a difference.

Just show me that there's something better.  Make me believe that you have something better in store for me.

It's what I long for.

What I hope for.

I'm done.

And please help me stay that way.  It's not worth it to go back anymore.

There's nothing there anymore.

Going back is not an option.

jeff and lyrics

Tonight I hung out with my friend, Jeff.  He's pretty awesome and I've recently had the honor of listening to his awesome song, "Hold On".  He sings and plays guitar while also doing his own harmony.  It's pretty fantastic.  Oh, and the lyrics are awesome.

"Hold On"

Music and lyrics by Jeffrey Duncan

She said "I'm nervous, I just need sometime to think"

I said "That's alright, I'll be right here if you need me"

She clasped my hand tight, and she pulled me in close,

And in the moonlight, her eyes looked brighter than most

And I could see that she was smiling

She was so beautiful my heart was pounding

And in the morning we'll take the skyways down

And I'll show you what it's all about

This, this is love

This is that feeling you get

When you know that this is it

Just hold, hold on tight

Just wait till the morning light

Creeps through onto your bedside

Let's take it slow, just in case we don't know where to go from here

I'm smiling from ear to ear

Always room for better skies, just lift your head open your eyes

And we'll dream tonight

Of stars that fade to blue

Just let me know what I should do

I'm still not sure what happens next

I promise you, it'll work out for the best

I won't leave you

If you'd like to check it out, hit up his website, on bandzoogle.com.  You won't be sorry. 

sleep to dream him

Today has been about music and lyrics.  I'm pretty sure every song I've listened to today has made me think about the situation but this one in particular really hit home.

Sleep to Dream Her by Dave Matthews Band

(I'm changing her to him because it fits better in my case)

I know I'll miss him later

Wish I could bend my love to hate him

Wish I could be his creator 

To twist his arms now

He stares up at the stars when

The stars fell from his hair then

I bent down to collect them

And then he was gone

Oh I sleep just to dream him

I beg the night just to see him

That my only love should be him

Just to lie in his arms

Oh I came there to find out

Find out he made up his mind

My arms are all tied up

To me he was blind

This space between us

Where wingless dreams fall earless

Will you not bear me witness

With your back to me now

It seems so unnerving

Yet still somehow deserving

That he could hold my heart so tightly 

And still not see me here

I know I'll miss him later

I wish I could bend my love to hate him

Wish I could be his creator

To be the light in his eyes

Being in love has to be one of the hardest things in the entire world.

Everything in this song reminds me of him, of how things were between us and how different they are now.  How within the past two and a half weeks, I've dreamt about him more than I ever have.  And just like the chorus says, "Oh I sleep just to dream him, beg the night just to see him, that my only love should be him, just to lie in his arms."  Part of me finds the dreams to be a nightmare, something I can't shake while the other part longs for those dreams, hopefully that magically things will be better in the morning, that those really good dreams will carry on through to the morning.  His presence is haunting.  And I secretly like it.

spikes, traps, and awkward turns

So this evening I was watching tv because there wasn't much else to do with my life and I happened to be watching mtv.  I'm sure you've probably heard the song "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles and I have to she has been a favorite of mine for some time now.  Anyways, she is the artist of the week and every chance they got, mtv was shamelessly promoting her.  They had some commercials up, and I literally almost peed my pants when I saw them.  Sara is playing piano and singing in random places but is almost always accompanied in the commercials by a group of about 6 or 7 people dancing.  Just like crazy, weird group dances sometimes more in a style of interpretative dance.  It's hilarious.  I think that it had to be one of the highlights of my day.  I really have no idea how she could not have been busting up laughing during the whole thing.  Ridiculous really.

PS- If you are interested in seeing some of the commercials, they are posted on mtv's site.  Okay so maybe they probably aren't as funny as I think they are, but yeah.  Whatever.  Just check it out.

Today I've been on edge.  I don't really know why.  I mean I kind of do but I'm not sure while all of a sudden I'm feeling so afflicted.  Work has made me anxious and I felt uneasy about the "situation" today.  It's funny how one day I'll feel fine about the whole thing and the next day, I'm so nervous I hardly feel like eating.  It's become this day to day battle.  Every day he's on my mind.  And I have so many questions and I dwell on it and it's overwhelming.  I mean someone told me that I seem self-pitying.  I don't think I'm like that.  I mean yeah, I feel a little bad for myself, I mean who asks to get their heart broken but I try to be a Debbie Downer all the time.  Being depressed and upset it not how I'd choose to live my life.  And I actively try to make the choice not to live that way.  Ultimately I don't think there will be answers to anything until he figures things out for himself.  

I've been reading Atonement by Ian McEwan and this passage really struck me.

"There was no ease, no stability in the course of their conversations, no chance to relax.  Instead, it was spikes, traps, and awkward turns that caused her to dislike herself almost as much as she disliked him, though she did not doubt that he was mostly to blame.  She hadn't changed, but there was no question that he had.  He was putting distance between himself and the family that had been completely open to him and given him everything...If he wanted distance, then let him have it."

I feel like some of things McEwan writes of here, speak right to the heart of my situation.  The feeling of awkwardness, and tension; the way she, Cecilia, feels about herself and the way she blames him; the way he's changed and she hasn't; the distance he puts between himself and ones that have been there for him and taken care of him.  And with all that she gets fed up, and let's him ultimately have the distance that she feels he so desires.

The funny part about this passage is that after looking at it again, and having read much farther into the book, I'm not sure he, Robbie, the character Cecilia is thinking of in this passage, is really looking for distance from her or the family that helped raise him.  It's just that he and Cecilia have grown up together and yet, at this older age/different stage in their lives, there really is no definition to the status of their relationship/friendship/whatever.  And that causes a problem, creating the awkwardness that lies between them, even this weird sort of dislike on Cecilia's part.  I wonder if that is where the problem lies for me.  That there is no definition, no way to define what we mean to one another without crossing some sort of line/boundary that is no longer appropriate as friends or whatever we are technically.  I have a feeling finding that place is going to be hard.

lessons to learn

So I can't believe that it's been three months since everything went down.

It seems like an eternity ago.

And yet, I feel like that pain should of subsided some.  They say time heals everything.

I'm not quite sure that is completely true.  The wounds are still fresh and easily opened.

Nevertheless, I've done a lot of thinking, sometimes because I can't do anything else and I've realized a few things.

For instance,

-I have begun to spend more time with my friends.  Partly because I'm lonely and hate being alone, but that need has fostered the realization that my friends are amazing.  I mean I knew they were but their continued support has meant the world to me.

-I have decided that I want to be someone different.  Not in the sense that I lose who I am, just new.  And improved one might say.

-I love my brother.  He's only 16, and sometimes I think he'll never grow up, yet nevertheless he continues to amaze him.  Even though he's technically my little brother, I know that he would throw down for me any day.  It also amazes me how much closer we grown together since I left for college.  It's funny how things work out like that.

-I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life.  I'm right now I'm not the slightest bit worried.  

-I'm a beautiful person, inside and out.  I bring something to the table in all of my relationships and I deserve to have people in my life that see that.  Sometimes I feel that I love too hard, but how can that be a fault?  I think I just continue to let people into my life that take that for granted.

-I want to be free.  And alive.  To live adventurously and take risks.  To not be the same safe Sara that I've felt the obligation to be.  I want to do what I want and not feel the need to have anyone's approval.  I want to know how I can feel so sad and empty yet so alive, anticipating the amazing adventures the futures brings.

My emotions drive me crazy.