lessons to learn

So I can't believe that it's been three months since everything went down.

It seems like an eternity ago.

And yet, I feel like that pain should of subsided some.  They say time heals everything.

I'm not quite sure that is completely true.  The wounds are still fresh and easily opened.

Nevertheless, I've done a lot of thinking, sometimes because I can't do anything else and I've realized a few things.

For instance,

-I have begun to spend more time with my friends.  Partly because I'm lonely and hate being alone, but that need has fostered the realization that my friends are amazing.  I mean I knew they were but their continued support has meant the world to me.

-I have decided that I want to be someone different.  Not in the sense that I lose who I am, just new.  And improved one might say.

-I love my brother.  He's only 16, and sometimes I think he'll never grow up, yet nevertheless he continues to amaze him.  Even though he's technically my little brother, I know that he would throw down for me any day.  It also amazes me how much closer we grown together since I left for college.  It's funny how things work out like that.

-I honestly have no idea what I want to do with my life.  I'm right now I'm not the slightest bit worried.  

-I'm a beautiful person, inside and out.  I bring something to the table in all of my relationships and I deserve to have people in my life that see that.  Sometimes I feel that I love too hard, but how can that be a fault?  I think I just continue to let people into my life that take that for granted.

-I want to be free.  And alive.  To live adventurously and take risks.  To not be the same safe Sara that I've felt the obligation to be.  I want to do what I want and not feel the need to have anyone's approval.  I want to know how I can feel so sad and empty yet so alive, anticipating the amazing adventures the futures brings.

My emotions drive me crazy.