spikes, traps, and awkward turns

So this evening I was watching tv because there wasn't much else to do with my life and I happened to be watching mtv.  I'm sure you've probably heard the song "Love Song" by Sara Bareilles and I have to she has been a favorite of mine for some time now.  Anyways, she is the artist of the week and every chance they got, mtv was shamelessly promoting her.  They had some commercials up, and I literally almost peed my pants when I saw them.  Sara is playing piano and singing in random places but is almost always accompanied in the commercials by a group of about 6 or 7 people dancing.  Just like crazy, weird group dances sometimes more in a style of interpretative dance.  It's hilarious.  I think that it had to be one of the highlights of my day.  I really have no idea how she could not have been busting up laughing during the whole thing.  Ridiculous really.

PS- If you are interested in seeing some of the commercials, they are posted on mtv's site.  Okay so maybe they probably aren't as funny as I think they are, but yeah.  Whatever.  Just check it out.

Today I've been on edge.  I don't really know why.  I mean I kind of do but I'm not sure while all of a sudden I'm feeling so afflicted.  Work has made me anxious and I felt uneasy about the "situation" today.  It's funny how one day I'll feel fine about the whole thing and the next day, I'm so nervous I hardly feel like eating.  It's become this day to day battle.  Every day he's on my mind.  And I have so many questions and I dwell on it and it's overwhelming.  I mean someone told me that I seem self-pitying.  I don't think I'm like that.  I mean yeah, I feel a little bad for myself, I mean who asks to get their heart broken but I try to be a Debbie Downer all the time.  Being depressed and upset it not how I'd choose to live my life.  And I actively try to make the choice not to live that way.  Ultimately I don't think there will be answers to anything until he figures things out for himself.  

I've been reading Atonement by Ian McEwan and this passage really struck me.

"There was no ease, no stability in the course of their conversations, no chance to relax.  Instead, it was spikes, traps, and awkward turns that caused her to dislike herself almost as much as she disliked him, though she did not doubt that he was mostly to blame.  She hadn't changed, but there was no question that he had.  He was putting distance between himself and the family that had been completely open to him and given him everything...If he wanted distance, then let him have it."

I feel like some of things McEwan writes of here, speak right to the heart of my situation.  The feeling of awkwardness, and tension; the way she, Cecilia, feels about herself and the way she blames him; the way he's changed and she hasn't; the distance he puts between himself and ones that have been there for him and taken care of him.  And with all that she gets fed up, and let's him ultimately have the distance that she feels he so desires.

The funny part about this passage is that after looking at it again, and having read much farther into the book, I'm not sure he, Robbie, the character Cecilia is thinking of in this passage, is really looking for distance from her or the family that helped raise him.  It's just that he and Cecilia have grown up together and yet, at this older age/different stage in their lives, there really is no definition to the status of their relationship/friendship/whatever.  And that causes a problem, creating the awkwardness that lies between them, even this weird sort of dislike on Cecilia's part.  I wonder if that is where the problem lies for me.  That there is no definition, no way to define what we mean to one another without crossing some sort of line/boundary that is no longer appropriate as friends or whatever we are technically.  I have a feeling finding that place is going to be hard.