song of the day #17: there for you.

I'm really selfish.
It's always about me.
How could I be so
self
absorbed?
So in-
considerate
?
Sometimes I wonder if I've really learned anything.

I have a really bad habit that I occasionally fall into.
It's called having a pity party for myself.
Good thing I have a best friend that can knock some sense into me.

I have high expectations for people in my life.  I have an expectation that I will receive what I give.  I want to get to others, I want to love them, I want to pursue them, but it would be really nice once in a while to have someone stop and do something for me.

But that's not how the game is played.  That is not something that I get to expect.  In fact, I should give more because of it.

song of the day #16: grey street.

So recently I've been doing a lot of thinking.
More of dwelling.  And it's not necessarily a good thing.

I went through a period of time where I listened to Dave Matthews a lot.
And while I can still say that I love his music a lot, I haven't been such a devoted fan lately.
But, the other day, one of my favorite songs of his came on the radio.
This song is...beautiful and painful and in some really weird way I can relate to it.

I actually really looked at the lyrics for the first time the other day and I want to share them with you.

I want you to understand something of what I feel.

song(s) of the day #15: let the waters rise & word of God speak.

Lately, I haven't been able to shake the feeling of being on the brink of something great.
This is no joke.
God is preparing me for something amazing and I can feel it.
But I've been feeling antsy.
Anxious, overwhelmed, burden.

I've been learning about spiritual gifts recently, and I've been trying to get a feel for mine.  Yet, in the process of honing my gifts, I often get overwhelmed by them and I'm not always exactly sure what to do with them.  Tonight, I spent some time talking with my one best friends.  As we walked around downtown Harrisonburg, I could tell Christ was encouraging me through her.  Her words rang true in my heart and she reassured me that she could see me on the brink of this vast canyon that I've mentioned in previous posts.

She challenged me to spend time with Christ, really accepting the call he has put on my life.  Accepting his plan fully, no qualms, no going back, only pressing ahead, focused on Christ.

The most amazing part of it all, is I am ready. 

[Image: http://mr-darkstar.deviantart.com/art/paused-on-the-brink-17314563]

suffering and perception promotes encouragement.

Sometimes when I think about my life, I think there is no way possible that all of this stuff has really happened.

Sometimes I think about my life and find it a little blurry, foggy, dream-like.  Things were so bad but God has made them so good.  I can honestly stand on this side of things and say that all the pain was a path straight toward Christ.

It's so funny to look at it all now.  Especially when I think about how impossible life seemed at times.  Those days when I could barely get out of bed.  When I thought I'd never get past the sadness, the hurt, the absolute heartache.  The burden of it all was overwhelming.

But Christ has claimed me.  He has put a stake on me.  He wants me.  He is my hero.

different from before.

I think today I truly understand that I am different.
I am different than I was last Monday.
I am different than I was last month.
I am different than I was last summer.
I have changed.

My life has been transformed.

My beautiful Savior has taken all the pain, all the hurt, all the burden.

My Romancer has stolen my heart so completely.

He has held my hand, he has wiped my tears, he has carried me.

His love is radiant in me.

He has colored my black and white world and make it bright and new.

He makes my heart soar.

song of the day #14: whatever you're doing.

So continuing on the theme of lessons learned during the Nashville trip, I think one of my friends said it best when they said just when they feel like they are beginning to know God and understand him, he does something so incredible and crazy and complex that it feels like you don't know him at all.  I feel like that's what this whole week was.  Just when I felt like I was getting some sort of a handle on God, he blows my mind.

As I was talking with my roommate tonight, she reminded me of this verse:

Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. -Philippians 4:7a

Man, if just God's peace exceeds anything we can understand, then think about how far over our heads the whole of God goes!

Regardless, God opened new doors for me this week.  He showed me new ways to communicate with him and to new ways to grow and new things to look forward to in our relationship.  Christ is stirring in me things I didn't even know were possible for me to desire.  Christ has begun a great work in me and he is continuing it!

 http://p0rg.deviantart.com/art/Breathe-132940552

waiting in expectation.

I wish I could let you all crawl in my brain and see what happened this past week.
Or that I could play a video of all the highlights.

For those of you who didn't know, I was in Nashville this past week with 18 other people on a mission trip over our spring break.  To be honest, I went into this trip without expectations.  I was a little hesitant.  In fact, as I was thinking about it today, I was realizing that I never fully made a decision to go on this trip.  I think I had a couple different people tell me was I was going and someone even signed me up.  I wasn't sure what to expect because I haven't even been on a mission trip since the summer of '06 and it wasn't until recently that God had even given me the desire to do mission work.

Needless to say, God didn't need my permission to do some crazy, awesome things this week.  In fact, I have to say that I was blown away with God's readiness to answer our prayers.  We did a lot of ATL exercises this week; ATL stands for Ask the Lord.  Basically, our group would sit and pray and ask God what he wanted us to do.  We would sit and listen for his voice.  Sometimes what we would hear and see would be ridiculously clear but other times we just felt lost.  Nevertheless, we were always lead to amazing encounters.  Christ was always pointing us in the direction he wanted, whether we knew it or not.

  http://me-inside515.deviantart.com/art/C-o-l-d-F-o-o-t-p-r-i-n-t-s-157140723

song of the day #13: i'm not who i was.

Sometimes, actually not sometimes, ALL the time it amazes me how God has the most perfect timing.

Today as I was driving in my car, this song came on the radio.  I had just been thinking about the changes I've been going through and how there are some people that have been in my life that I really wish could see where I am and not just where I am but that I'm different.  I'm a new Sara Willard.  It's kind of like the overused metaphor of the caterpillar becoming the butterfly.  But honestly, I have no other way to really describe it.

In fact, someone else described it perfectly for me.  Over a month ago, I received a beautiful message from one of my beautiful sisters in Christ.  She had read one of my blogs and been inspired to write this: 

I once saw a little girl, fragile, raw, ready to cry, pain in her posture, eyes silently screaming at the emptiness, the betrayal, the ache that seemed everywhere.

I saw her again, and oh, the light, the Light, the beauty from deep within. The purpose, the joy, the sense of peace. The silent screams now return as echoes of grace, for herself, for others, echoes of the Father, echoes of her Love.

Her path here has not been easy. Much has been torn down, refined, washed away. Not the life she was expecting. But through it, she has touched Jesus, glimpsed His exquisite pain and love on the cross. Her pain He bore with her and for her.

It's not over yet. Turning a corner, new vistas appear. Bright and shining. Watch her walk, watch her run. 

 

http://dreamingphotographer.deviantart.com/art/Free-At-Last-51561093