song of the day #16: grey street.

So recently I've been doing a lot of thinking.
More of dwelling.  And it's not necessarily a good thing.

I went through a period of time where I listened to Dave Matthews a lot.
And while I can still say that I love his music a lot, I haven't been such a devoted fan lately.
But, the other day, one of my favorite songs of his came on the radio.
This song is...beautiful and painful and in some really weird way I can relate to it.

I actually really looked at the lyrics for the first time the other day and I want to share them with you.

I want you to understand something of what I feel.

 Grey Street- Dave Matthews Band

Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out onto Grey St.
And she thinks...hey
How did I come to this
I dreamed myself thousand times around the world
But I can't get out of this place
There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together
To grey, and it breaks her heart

Oh how she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears He doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her He might
She says I pray
But they falls on deaf ears
Am I supposed to take it on myself
To get out of this place
There's a loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now,
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together
It's grey, and it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them real as anything
It will take the work out of the courage
She says please
There's a crazy man creeping that's outside my door
I live on the corner of Grey Street
And the end of the world

Oh there's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her
Using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together
To grey
And it breaks her heart...
Oh and it breaks her heart
To grey. 

I think for the first time I understand why this song hurts my heart.  This was me.  Absolutely.  I spent so long wearing a mask, hiding, not saying anything, fighting it silently on my own.   I was crying silently for someone to save me.  I couldn't figure out.  I couldn't do it on my own.  It always seemed to be right in reach, that life of bright, bold, beautiful colors.  But the emptiness, the loneliness, it wouldn't go away.  And I tried to fill it in with so many things.  Things that I tricked myself to believe were what I wanted.  Things that I thought were those beautiful colors.  But in the end they were grey.  They were dull.  They were lifeless.

I thought no one heard my cries.  I thought no one cared.  I felt crazy at times.  Uncontrollable.  Broken, broken, broken.  My heart aches.  My heart cries for that girl.  It's funny because sometimes the pain is still so real.  Sometimes I just want to hug her.  To tell her it going to be okay. I remember feeling something very similar to the line that says, "And though it's red blood bleeding from her now, it's more like cold blue ice in her heart."  The pain was always so real but my heart became callused. And the worst part of it is is that there are so many people out there who feel the same way.  And lately, my heart has been so burden for them.  I feel their pain because I was there.  I feel their pain because my heart breaks for what breaks God's heart.

Yet, the grey has dissipated.  God has painted something more beautiful in my life than I could have ever imagined.  And while not everyday is easy, he fills those voids.  He has made me strong in my weakness so that I might be bold and bright for him.

Just like the verse that is on my header says,

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." -Psalm 147:3

That is what my whole blog is about.  About God taking our breakdowns and making them beautiful.  Using them to his glory.  

It's funny because I didn't really know what I was going to write tonight.  I just knew that I needed to.  I knew that God had put this song on my heart and I was feeling broken and burdened and as I wrote, God blessed me with peace and understanding.  And I get to share that with you.  

Hebrews 4:15-16 in The Message says,

"We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality.  He's been through weakness and testing, experienced it all-- all but the sin.  So let's walk right up to him and get what he is so ready to give.  Take the mercy, accept the help."

God gets it.  He is not out of touch with our reality.  He just wants us to depend on him when things get rough.  He wants to hold our hand when we're struggling.  He wants to wipe our tears.  He wants to mend our hearts.  He wants to paint our lives bold and bright and beautiful.  He wants to shine through us.  Are you ready to let him make you vivid and strong?  It's time to step out in boldness.

[Images: http://darija9.deviantart.com/art/through-the-eyes-of-regret-142054684, 

http://vamos8volta.deviantart.com/art/Finger-Paint-My-Sky-Please-90591195]